Coping with pet loss
The death of a beloved pet can be heartbreaking. Our animals are often our closest companions. They offer us unconditional love and emotional security and they add structure to our hectic lives. When a pet dies or is euthanized, it is frequently not only a tragic loss of a loved one, but also a disruption of our daily routine. You may feel the aching sadness of the loss, anger at the harsh reality, and guilt with ourselves and our choices. This information is dedicated to helping you and your loved ones (including your other pets) cope with the death of your friend.
Taking care of yourself
You need to take care of yourself and your own emotional needs before you can take care of anyone else. At the same time, however, helping someone else deal with their grief can help you to overcome your own. If you have other family members that you are experiencing this loss with, be sure to lean on one another and don't be afraid to talk about how you are feeling...chances are that they feel the same way.
It is important to remember that grief is a very personal struggle and that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Sometimes this feeling can seem overwhelming. Day to day task can seem impossible, acknowledge what you are feeling and try to express your feelings. The process of grief is not a cut and dry process that can be subdivided into strict categories. Rather, the grief process is a continuum, with each person experiencing it in a completely different way. Dividing the grief process into "stages" helps the grief stricken person to understand that their experiences and emotions are normal. Some people will quickly progress through all the phases, while others appear to get "stuck" in a particular phase. Briefly, the stages of grief are as follows:
1. SHOCK AND DENIAL-
The reality of death has not yet been accepted by the bereaved. He or she may feel stunned and bewildered-as if everything is "unreal."
2. ANGER-
The grief stricken person often lashes out at family, friends, themselves, God, the Veterinarian or the world in general. Bereaved people may also experience feelings of guilt or fear during this stage.
3. BARGAINING-
In this stage, the bereaved asks for a deal or reward from either God, the Veterinarian or the Clergy. Comments like "I'll go to Church every day, if only my pet will come back to me" are common.
4. DEPRESSION-
Depression occurs as a reaction to the changed way of life created by the loss. The bereaved person feels intensely sad, hopeless, helpless and drained. The pet is missed and thought about constantly.
5. ACCEPTANCE-
Acceptance comes when the changes brought upon the person by the loss are stabilized into a new lifestyle.
The depth and intensity of the mourning process depends on many factors. The age of the owner, circumstances surrounding the death, relationship of the animal to the owner and to other family members, are all significant. Recently experiencing the death of a significant person in the owner's life can also affect how the pet's death is handled. Usually, children recover more quickly, while the elderly take the longest. Sometimes, the death of a pet will finally enable the bereaved to mourn the loss of a person, whose death had not yet been accepted.
It is important to remember that grief is a very personal struggle and that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Sometimes this feeling can seem overwhelming. Day to day tasks can seem impossible. Acknowledge what you are feeling and try to release your feelings.
Below are some options that you may consider to help you relieve some of the emotional pain that you are feeling from your loss.
- Seek out a support group. Friends who have not experienced the searing loss of a constant companion may not understand your pain and often cannot comfort you in the way that you need. There are many pet loss support groups available to turn to. Click on any of these links to find a group that is right for you: www.nehumanesociety.org/programsandevents/programsforthecommunity/petlosssupport/index.asp, www.vet.cornell.edu/org/petloss/, www.vetmed.iastate.edu/animal_owners/petloss/default.asp, www.pet-loss.net
- Express your feelings. Don't be afraid to talk to family members or to a counselor. Try writing down your feelings in a journal or in a poem. Perform a ritual or ceremony for letting go or saying goodbye.
- Let go of your guilt. Remember that as your animal's caretaker, you made the best decisions that you could with the information and resources available to you at the time.
- Remember the good times. Although they may be initially painful to think about, remembering the special times and loving bond that you shared with your deceased companion can help to ease some of the pain of your loss.
- In time consider getting a new pet. Although no one can take the place of the friend that you've lost, a new companion will give you something to focus on and can keep your home from feeling so empty. Make sure you do not rush into getting a new companion, trust yourself to know when the time is right.
For Your Children...
Death is one of the most difficult concepts to explain to children. The best course for explaining the finality of death to a child depends upon the age of that child, as well as that child's cognitive and emotional development. However, at any age, the most important thing for a parent to remember is that honesty is the best policy. Below are some general guidelines that parents may follow in order to honestly explain this important concept to children.
- It is important to explain death/dying in a gentle, positive way so that children will be better able to deal with it in the future.
- Be sure to use direct words such as "dead," "death," and "dying" so that the child understands the concept as a permanent circumstance, rather than "putting to sleep," which may be confusing to a child.
- If possible, discuss the death of a pet before the death occurs and include your children in the decision-making process. When discussing the idea of euthanasia, be sure to explain that you are helping your pet because you do not want him or her to suffer unnecessarily.
- Do not tell children that your pet ran away or was given to a new home. This causes an entirely different type of grief in children and is not the appropriate solution.
- Read books about pet loss and grief with your child. This will open up communication and will make both you and your child feel more comfortable discussing the loss or possibility of the loss of a pet. Your local library may also offer some suggestions.
- Show your own feelings. It is okay to allow your child to see that you are sad this will allow them to learn that it is okay to openly express feelings of grief.
- Tell your child's teachers about their loss so that they may understand any changes in behavior.
- Do not try to ease your child's hurt by rushing out to adopt another pet. Children need to understand that each pet is an irreplaceable family member. Wait to get another pet until your child expresses an interest.
The actual grieving process is different for different age groups and children often grieve in ways that are different from adults. Below are some general ideas of what to expect from children of different ages.
- Under age 2: Children may respond to the emotional reactions of the other family members and/or to the stress felt in the environment, even though they do not understand the cause.
- Age 2 to 5: At this age, children view themselves and others as being invincible. Cartoons often portray the idea that death is not permanent and can lead children to have an incorrect understanding of it. Despite this, it is important that you explain death correctly, which will allow the child to better understand death in the future.
- Ages 5 to 9: This age group usually perceives death as permanent. However, they also see the world as revolving around themselves and realize a correlation between what they think and what actually happens. For example, a child might one day resent a pet and wish that it were dead. At a point in the future when the pet actually does die, the child may feel guilt, thinking that he or she caused the death. As a parent, it is important that you reassure your child that they did not cause the animal's death.
- Ages 10 and older: Although children in this age range generally understand that everything eventually dies and that death is permanent, they may not always accept the fact. They will often go through the same stages of grieving that adult’s experience: denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, depression, and acceptance.
The internet is a great resource for finding information on helping children cope with pet loss and grief. You may also wish to talk to your pediatrician for additional information.
For Your Pets...
Because our pets do not speak, we must interpret what they are feeling through changes in their behavior. Often, when one pet dies, the pet(s) left behind will react not only to the loss, but to our emotions as well. Pets often lose their appetite, become listless or disoriented, or become clingier. They will sometimes sit at a door or window waiting for the deceased animal to return home. Many animals become depressed, showing symptoms similar to those of humans. They might sleep more, lose interest in their favorite activities, or show signs of separation anxiety. Frequently, picking up on our own feelings of sadness, our pets will become more affectionate with us.
If your pet is showing symptoms of grieving, be sure to provide him or her with more affection and attention. Attempt to engage your pet in their favorite activity, encouraging play. If dogs are barking or whining, distract them with another activity. However, do not use foods as a distraction in this case as it may "reward" the behavior. Refrain from adopting another pet until your existing companion has had time to come to terms with their loss. Adding another animal right away can add additional stress on top of the emotional distress that your pet is already feeling. As always, contact your veterinarian if you are concerned with your pet's behavior or if their grieving seems to be prolonged.
Should I get another pet?
The death of a pet can upset you emotionally. Some people may feel they would never want another pet. A new pet may help others get over the loss more quickly. Just as grief is a personal experience, the decision of when, if ever, to bring a new pet into your home is also a personal one. If a family member is having difficulty accepting the pet’s death, bringing a new pet into the home before that individual has resolved his or her grief may imply that the life of the deceased pet was unworthy of the grief that is still being felt. Family members should come to an agreement on the appropriate time to acquire a new pet. Although you can never replace the pet you lost you can get another one to share your life.
Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to the Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
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